Love in ACTion: Cultivating Deep Connections

We are surrounded by media, ads, movies and more that bombard us with the ideal of finding love, and not just love… but Love, the real kind of one, the one with the big L. And when this does not happen, and it’s not always a smooth sail, we start questioning what is wrong, if we picked the right person, if we are the right person, if we are wasting time, if maybe you’re settling, if they just don’t get us, if you’re just too different or too the same… if, maybe, perhaps, might be…

A disclaimer before we go any further, if you feel you are trapped in a relationship that is unhealthy for you, if your freedom, safety and care are endangered, ask for help and seriously consider getting out of a system that is not good for you. If, instead, you are just wondering why things are different than they were before, if you don’t have the same sensations of butterflies in your belly like at the beginning, or if you’re just feeling stagnant, well then, let’s talk…!

Perfect until proven flawed 

Maybe you met your someone and you felt like everything was great, you didn’t have to force any conversation because they just ‘get you’; all the pieces fell into place, and it was just perfect. But now you start to see that the way they laugh is kind of odd, and they are a tiny bit too sensitive, they like to point out typos on menu and you think that is a bit pretentious, or maybe they call you pretentious because you like to find typos on menus. And it’s just not perfect anymore. 

That seems like a bummer, but the fact is that there is no one that is perfect for you, hence a first thing that we can do to improve our relationship is to get rid of that ideal. Better said than done, I know. But if you think about all the time that you are spending and all that it’s costing you, how much are you sacrificing because of this ideal? What if instead you try to have an ideal for what it could be, something that you aspire to, but ultimately is just an aspiration, and you start living your relationship fully? Perfectly flawed like any other, and you (together with your partner) work on little twists and turns to get as close as you can to what you desire?

The split heart pendant

It’s always heartwarming when two teenagers in love exchange their ‘half heart pendant’, a symbol of belonging and wholesomeness. It is ingrained in our concept of love to find the one with the other half of our pendant, the one that completes us, and makes us feel ‘whole’. The only challenge with this is that eventually, we discover that if we put on someone else our capacity to feel ‘whole’, that will inevitably come at our expense. Every human is complete, alone and with others, and trying to find someone to fulfill a sense of void will probably lead to relational dynamics of dependence and excessive reliance.

Trust and reliance are essential components of a healthy relationship; they stem from a sense of being good alone, and better with your significant other. Developing this understanding, working to be complete individually, is the cornerstone of a strong relationship.

It shouldn’t be so difficult

We frequently think that if we have to put that much of an effort it’s not meant to be. This is a judgement that minds come up with quite quickly. If your partner had your same love language it would be easier, if they liked the same food, if they wanted to have sex the same number of times, if they managed money as well as you, if they liked spending time with your family more… Look how easy it is to get lost in ‘ifs’. We’re right back at the same point, finding the right person, but we already agree that that’s a unicorn.

Although some couples are more similar than others, you’ll always find big differences between you and your partner that will be hard to manage. Relationships aren’t easy. That’s just it. You need to be a negotiator, a caregiver, a lover, a therapist, and so many other things… and at the same time you need to make sure that what you want goes heard and is not neglected. As such, your mind goes right away to the differences because they drag more attention. The cost of that is that you might be missing out on what you have in common, what you are doing in the here-and-now, and what experiences you are living together because you are caught up in this ‘spot the difference’ game. What if, for this time, you notice that difference, say something like ‘mmh, yes, I guess it’s there’ and then take a big breath and re-focus on what is around you? Working on learning how to accept these difficult feelings and cognition, and at the same time building a life towards what matters to you, can help you let go of these bothersome pebbles in your shoe.

And they lived happily ever after….

Often people chase that butterfly sensation in their stomach, again, that big L love. Little do they know that that sensation is our body trying to tell us that something is wrong. Yes, because when you’re in that honeymoon phase, you’re just a walking bomb of hormones. Your prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in problem-solving, reasoning, morality, and planning) shuts down, which gives a lot of power to your ‘emotional brain’, and you see only how good you are together. Your body has no other choice than to secrete some stress hormones (that cause the characteristic ‘gut sensation’) to let you know that turning off your brain might not be the best decision after all. But you really have no control over that.

Point being, that when these hormones finally settle (between six months to a year), you start seeing the other for who they really are. Lots of people interpret this as a sign that the spark has gone, love has faded, and they give up to the idea that love is forever and shouldn’t change. But that is actually when ‘falling in love’ becomes ‘loving’. Inevitably, whatever each person identifies as the feeling of love comes and goes, has ups and downs, and sometimes ends. However, if you think of love as an action, then when you realize that the spark has gone, there is your chance! That is your signal that you can finally see the other person in a more objective light and decide if you want to build something deeper together. Of course that comes with the unwanted perk of being vulnerable, compromising, being frustrated and many other things that deep connections imply. But if you think of acting love, instead of feeling love, you can still be frustrated, or angry, or excited, and act out your love and hug and take care of the other. Because that is where your power, your strength comes from; it's what you do that matters.

 Author: Vincenzo Sabella, MC Student

References

Harris, R. (2009). ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.

Harris, R. (2019). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy (2nd;2; ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

Translated by Content Engine LLC. (2023). Butterflies in the stomach and a lump in the throat? how the body speaks to us when emotions overwhelm us (English ed.). ContentEngine LLC, a Florida limited liability company.