Navigating Relationship Conflicts: Building Bridges to Understanding and Connection

In a healthy relationship, occasional disagreements are normal, and they don’t undermine the mutual support between partners.

John and Julie Gottman (2024) have over 35 years of marriage experience as psychologists and have seen that, during conflicts, it’s crucial to embrace vulnerability, shifting away from defensive postures to openness and self-disclosure. Using a constructive language during conflicts is key for the happiest and most enduring relationships. This approach, focused on repair and cooperation, is something anyone can cultivate.

According to Gottman & Schwartz Gottman (2024) there are six categories of phrases, drawn from their observations of over 30,000 couples, that facilitate calming down and resolving conflicts: Expressing emotions, seeking calm, apologizing, taking a break, finding common ground, and showing appreciation.  

Expressing Emotions (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2024):

• “I’m feeling scared.”

• “Please, say that more gently.”

• “That hurt my feelings.”

• “I feel blamed. Can you rephrase?”

• “I feel like you don’t understand me.”

Expressing emotions in relationships is crucial for fostering understanding, intimacy, and connection between partners. Here’s some reasons why it’s important:

• Communication: Emotions are a fundamental aspect of human experience, and expressing them allows individuals to communicate their emotions, they provide valuable insight into their needs, desires, and concerns effectively. When partners openly share their emotions, they provide valuable insight into their inner world, enabling their significant other to understand them better.

• Validation and Empathy: Expressing emotions validates one’s experiences and feelings. When a partner expresses empathy and validates their significant other’s emotions, it fosters a sense of validation and emotional support, strengthening the bond between them.

• Conflict Resolution: Emotions often play a significant role in conflict within relationships. By expressing emotions constructively, partners can address underlying issues, resolve conflicts more effectively, and prevent misunderstandings from escalating into larger problems (Burgreen, n.d.).

• Building Trust: Openly expressing emotions creates an environment of trust and vulnerability within the relationship (Yoon, 2023). When partners start to feel safe to express themselves authentically, it cultivates a deeper level of trust, as they know they can rely on each other for emotional support and understanding.
  

Seeking Calm (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2024):  

• “I need your support.”

• “Just listen and try to understand.”

• “Can I have a hug?”

• “This is important; please listen.”

• “Can you make things safer?”

Seeking calm in an argument between partners is essential for maintaining respect, understanding, and effective communication. Here’s why it is crucial.

• Clarity of Thought: When emotions are running high during an argument it becomes challenging to think clearly and rationally. Seeking calm allows both partners to regain their composure, enabling them to express their thoughts and feelings more coherently and thoughtfully.

• Preventing Escalation: Arguments have the potential to escalate quickly when emotions are unchecked (Burgreen, n.d.). Seeking calm helps to de-escalate tense situations, preventing the exchange of hurtful words or actions that could cause lasting damage to the relationship.

• Active Listening: Calmness facilitates active listening, which is essential for understanding each other’s perspectives (Cavitt, 2021). When partners are calm, they can listen attentively to each other without interrupting or becoming defensive, fostering mutual respect and empathy.

• Maintaining Relationship Quality: Continuous conflict without seeking calm can strain the relationship and erode trust and intimacy over time (Gottman, 2023). By prioritizing calmness during arguments, partners demonstrate their commitment to preserving the quality of their relationship and resolving conflicts in a healthy manner.
  

Apologizing (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2024):

• “My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry.”

• “I really messed up.”

• “Let me try again.”

• “I want to be gentler, but I’m struggling.”

• “I can see my part in this.”

Apologizing in relationship conflicts is vital for several reasons, as it plays a significant role in maintaining trust, resolving issues, and fostering emotional connection. Here’s why apologizing is important:

• Acknowledgement of Hurt: Apologizing acknowledges the pain or distress caused by one’s words or actions (Pollack, 2020). It validates the other person’s feelings and experiences, demonstrating empathy and understanding.

• Promoting Forgiveness: Apologizing opens the door to forgiveness and reconciliation (Staff, 2024). By expressing remorse and seeking forgiveness, individuals invite the other person to let go of resentment and move forward together, strengthening the bond between them.

• Personal Growth: Apologizing requires humility and self-reflection, encouraging personal growth and development (Walda, 2021). It allows individuals to learn from their mistakes, gain insight into their behavior patterns, and cultivate greater empathy and emotional intelligence.
  

Taking a Break (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2024)

• “I might be wrong.”

• “Let’s pause for a while.”

• “Give me a moment; I’ll be back.”

• “Let’s start over.”

• “Let’s agree to disagree.”

Taking a break in the middle of a conflict is crucial for several reasons as it allows both partners to regain perspective, manage emotions, and approach the issue with clarity and compassion. Here’s why taking a break is important:

• Emotional Regulation: Conflict often triggers strong emotions such as anger, frustrating, or sadness (Burgreen, n.d.). Taking a break allows individuals to step away from the intensity of the situation, giving them the opportunity to calm down and regain control over their emotions. This helps prevent impulsive or hurtful reactions that can escalate the conflict.

• Avoiding Hurtful Words or Actions: In the heat of an argument, people may say or do things they later regret (Flleva, 2021). Taking a break prevents the exchange of hurtful words or actions that can cause lasting damage to the relationship. It allows individuals to reflect on their thoughts and feelings before responding, reducing the risk of saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment.

• Resuming Communication: After taking a break, partners can return to the conversation with a renewed sense of calm and clarity (Morely, 2021). This facilitates more effective communication, as both individuals are able to express themselves and actively listen to each other’s concerns without being overwhelmed by emotions.
  

Finding Common Ground (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2024)

• “You’re starting to convince me.”

• “I agree with part of what you’re saying.”

• “Let’s find a compromise.”

• “I hadn’t considered it that way.”

• “Your perspective makes sense.”

Finding common ground in conflict is essential for fostering understanding, compromise, and resolution. Here’s why it is important:

• Promotes Collaboration: Finding common ground encourages partners to work together toward a shared solution (Savage, 2023). By identifying areas of agreement, partners can collaborate more effectively, pooling their strengths and resources to address the conflict constructively.

• Reduces Tension: Conflict can create tension and division in relationships. Finding common ground alleviates some of this tension by shifting some of the focus from differences to areas of agreement. It creates a more positive and cooperative atmosphere, making it easier to address the conflict constructively.

• Promotes Long-Term Relationship Satisfaction: Resolving conflicts by finding common ground promotes long-term relationship satisfaction. It helps partners develop effective communication and problem-solving skills, which are essential for navigating challenges and maintaining a strong and fulfilling relationship over time.
  

Showing Appreciation (Gottman & Schwartz Gottman, 2024):

• “I love you.”

• “I understand.”

• “One thing I admire about you is…”

• “This is our problem, not just yours.”

• “Thank you for…

Showing appreciation at the end of a fight with a partner is crucial for several reasons, as it helps to repair any damage done during the conflict and strengthen the relationship. Here’s why it is important.

• Promotes Positivity: Showing appreciation at the end of a fight shifts the focus from negativity to positivity. It allows partners to end the conflict on a positive note, fostering feelings of goodwill and affection despite the disagreement.

• Encourages Vulnerability: Expressing appreciation requires vulnerability, as it involves opening up and expressing gratitude for the other person’s actions or qualities (Bradley, 2023). This vulnerability fosters intimacy and trust, creating a safe space for both partners to be open and authentic with each other.

• Sets a Positive Example: Showing appreciation sets a positive example for how conflicts should be resolved in the relationship. It demonstrates healthy communication and conflict resolution skills, which can inspire both partners to approach future conflicts with empathy, respect, and appreciation.

In conclusion, navigating conflicts in a relationship requires a multifaceted approach that encompasses understanding, empathy, and effective communication. John and Julie Gottman’s (2024) extensive research underscores the importance of embracing vulnerability and employing constructive language during conflicts. Their framework of six categories and phrases provides invaluable guidance for de-escalating tensions and promoting resolution. Expressing emotions, seeking calm, apologizing, taking a break, finding common ground, and showing appreciation are all essential components of healthy conflict resolution.

                Expressing emotions allows partners to communicate their needs and concerns effectively, fostering understanding and validation. Seeking calm helps to prevent escalation and maintain respect and clarity of thought. Apologizing acknowledges hurt and promotes forgiveness and personal growth. Taking a break allows individuals to manage emotions and approach the conflict with renewed perspective. Finding common ground encourages collaboration and compromise, while showing appreciation reinforces positivity and vulnerability.

                Ultimately, conflicts in relationships are inevitable, but how they are managed can significantly impact the strength and longevity of the partnership. By employing the strategies outlined by Gottman and Schwartz Gottman (2024), couples can navigate conflicts with grace, empathy, and mutual respect, ultimately strengthening their bond and fostering a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

References

Beresin, E. (2021, March 10). The Positive Value of Conflict: The Power of Resolution. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/inside-out-outside-in/202103/the-positive-value-conflict-the-power-resolution

Bradley, J. (2023, June 5). Gratitude and mindset shifts: Transforming negativity into positivity. Medium. https://medium.com/lampshade-of-illumination/gratitude-and-mindset-shifts-transforming-negativity-into-positivity-9d65f9230cbb

Burgreen, R. (n.d.). How Emotion Regulation Can Transform Your Conflict Cycle. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-regulation-transform-your-conflict-cycle/

Cavitt, D. (2021). Using the LISTENS active listening technique to mend or deepen relationships. TEACHING Exceptional Children, 53(24), 268-269. https://doi.org/10.1177/0040059921996643

Flleva, I. (2021, July 21). Why we say hurtful things we don’t mean. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-philosophers-diaries/202107/why-we-say-hurtful-things-we-dont-mean

Gottman, J. (2023, February 8). Show Your Gratitude in a Thank You Note. Small Things Often. https://www.gottman.com/podcast.

Gottman, J., & Schwartz Gottman, J. (2024, January 30). We’ve studied over 30,000 couples-here are 6 phrases you’ll hear in the most successful relationships . CNBC. https://www.cnbc.com/2024/01/30/psychologists-say-the-happiest-couples-in-successful-relationships-always-use-these-phrases.html 

Isabelle Morley, P. (2021, October 29). Taking a break during a fight. https://www.drisabellemorley.com/post/take-a-break-during-a-fight#:~:text=Use%20a%20break%20to%20lower%20your%20defenses%20and,what%20your%20partner%20should%20be%20doing%20as%20well.

Pollack, J. (2020, December 5). How to apologize during conflict: The DOS and DON’T’S of Apologies. Thrive Global. https://community.thriveglobal.com/how-to-apologize-during-conflict-the-dos-and-donts-of-apologies/#:~:text=Acknowledge%20and%20apologize%20for%20the%20behavior.%20Acknowledge%20the,did%20and%20take%20responsibility.%20It%E2%80%99s%20not%20their%20fault.

Savage, L. (2023, September 28). Finding common ground: Great minds think… differently. Icma.org. https://icma.org/articles/article/finding-common-ground-great-minds-think-differently#:~:text=Common%20ground%20serves%20as%20the%20key%20to%20opening,create%20a%20comfortable%20atmosphere%20for%20teamwork%20to%20thrive.

Staff, P. (2024, February 14). Forgiving and move forward using Conflict Resolution Skills. https://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/conflict-resolution/trying-to-forgive-and-move-forward/#:~:text=In%20the%20context%20of%20negotiations%2C%20the%20forgiveness%20inspired,the%20less%20open%20they%20will%20be%20to%20reconciliation.

Walda, L. (2021, August 6). How the power of apologizing can strengthen your personal development. Medium. https://medium.com/curious/how-the-power-of-apologizing-can-strengthen-your-personal-development-bb03317bfe99

Yoon, Y. (2023, December 23). Building Authentic Connections: Embracing Vulnerability. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/on-second-thought/202312/building-authentic-connections-embracing-vulnerability